Unfortunately, like far too many of us, I was poorly parented.  In my case, this resulted in weighing almost 400 pounds.  Not blaming my parents, just saying where my own neurosis led me.

I was one of the fortunate few to find my way out of hyper-obesity, though it has not been an easy road.  I got down to 163, had surgery to remove the excess skin on my stomach, and ended up back at 220.  What I struggle with is my own habits of mind and taste.  I grew up with the typical American high fat diet.  My tastes still run to cheeseburgers and pizza although I try to avoid those a little bit more than I used to.  Sadly, I have a taste for alcohol, which does not help keep the weight down.  Just say no is harder than it sounds.

Trung, my trainer, always says that you have to have a goal because that is what helps motivate you to behave in a particular way.  That’s a paraphrase. Recently, he has been challenging me on what I want to do with my life.  I think I figured it out, which is why I needed to start blogging again.

Being fat sucks.  Maybe not for everyone, but it did for me.  I know that one thing I want to do with my life is have the healthiest body I possibly can, not for vanity, but for mobility and longevity.  I know I want to communicate to people that they aren’t stuck being overweight if they are not happy.  There is a way to lose weight if you really want to.

I also want to communicate that the path isn’t always smooth and flawless.  You can put some back on.  You could put it all back on if you let yourself go there.  I wanted to blog to communicate and to keep myself honest so that I stop letting habit dictate who I am and who I will be.  I told my friend, Kim, that if I got back to 250, I would be ashamed because I had this chance and I worked so hard and then I just threw it away.  For what?

It’s not the number on the scale, it’s the person I want to be.  I have been someone who does not like to put myself out there and face rejection, but that is really no way to live.  I turn 54 this year.  My life is passing.  I do want it to have meaning.

My dream is to run a summer program for overweight teens at my high school.  The program would focus on educating for a healthy lifestyle and I’d like to continue with weekly meetings during the school year.  When I think about doing something then I think I can’t do it, but I need to try anyway.  I actually have some plans in place so if I work there’s no reason why it can’t happen.

The thing that has the most meaning for me is to help other people.  I don’t know why it satisfies me so deeply, but it actually does.  When I first got my weight down so low I wanted to help other people lose weight, but it didn’t seem that my experience ended up helping anybody.  Maybe I just quit too soon.  Perhaps there is something worthwhile in sharing my struggles.  Well, I’m going to try.